Straight Road to Heaven

What the fuck is wrong with you, Jules? What the fuck is going on with your mind? Who the hell is supposed to get you out of this shit this time? All the stories you’ve heard…Jim, Kurt, Bon….what am I saying?...not even stories…life!...real life, real people, real deaths!…and one more to come if you don’t find the guts in you to stop this crap…to get out of this mess…Jules!!!...wake up, buddy!!!...fuck…fuck…fuck, Jules!... Fuck cause you’re already fucked up. At least that’s what they say, you’ve heard them. Ya, I know. You were not supposed to hear. But you did. Every single word coming our from their fuckin’ mouths. After all the contracts he got, after all the albums he made almost by his own, after all the money flooding their bank accounts every day, after all this time when he practically carried them on his back, parasites, scam bags, losers of the lowest kind!...fuck, Jules!!...fuck!!... “Hi, baby…” Great! Now not only Jules is fucked up, but also Jules’s brain is fucked up! Hi, baby…this soft, sweet, wonderful voice….Shirin…can’t be anyone else…Shirin, and he’s hallucinating about her…he was enjoying his nightmare, his misery, his failure, he was enjoying his almighty fall, and now he’s enjoying Shirin…death…is it possible?...can he be so close to death already?...where does this voice come from anyway?...light…he’s supposed to find a light, somewhere…so he’s heard long time ago, from his poor mamma…death always comes as a bright, powerful light…angels…angels opening their wings, covering you, taking you away…singing maybe…and Shirin, his angel…what other angel could have been more suitable for this despicable job of taking his soul?...Shirin… “The boys are worried about you, Jules…you didn’t show up today. Brad is so pissed off about it. You know Brad, he’s always pissed about something. He doesn’t like delays very much. Well, of course, only when this delay means idling in bed for one more hour at the break of dawn…” Giggling…god, he loves that giggling!...do angels giggle?...do angels know Brad?...funny…he could rather imagine a heaven with Brad’s posters spread all over the clouds and apple trees, as the most wanted for a nice, cozy road straight to hell…he’s a damn good guitarist, this Brad! Oh, ya, he could never deny it. That was the main reason for which he chose this bastard to be part of his band, five years ago, when he was still thrumming for whores and drunkards in obscure, cheap, filthy nightclubs. And the next fucking day when they all met, he brought Brad, and Brad brought Shirin… “You look like hell, sweetheart. I don’t know how hell looks like, but it definitely has to look like you. Remember when you told me that a few joints can’t kill anyone? Well, probably right but you surely had more than few joints today, didn’t you?” Damn sure he did! Mickey got really good stuff for him this time. No more shit like hash and weeds. The real stuff. The magic. The gate to the underworld. And how could she imagine that he forgot that day? He and Brad after their first vox dump, getting out of the studio, waiting for her to come and pick them up for a drink…”Need a lift, sweetie?”…that crazy smile driving him crazy…the scent of perfume filling the old classic Chevrolet…never a cheap perfume and never the same, so that he wondered if it was Brad that bought her the bottles, and if he somehow did it, what did she give him in return for that? …and her laughing, all the way to restaurant…gossip about this and that and about their recordings…their first official recording which made him feel so proud for the first time in his life…look, mamma, your kid is a singer…he made it…he finally made it, mamma, and he’ll cover in gold all your tears and your disappointment…fuck, Jules…just a glimpse of that cleavage…you couldn’t help it, could you?...right from the back seat, her reflection in the mirror…her dark eyes…and her cleavage….that round, generous opening of her red blouse flirting with him…winking and giggling….that giggle again…. “Let’s have a walk, baby…come on…be a good boy now and give me your arm…hey, you’ve put some weight, darling…now how am I supposed to love you like this?...you know I don’t like fat guys and Brad is still on a diet because of me…oh, my, what a bad boy you are!...bad, bad, bad!...and smelling too so you should better have a bath now…come on…few more steps and we’re there…my poor baby…come on…few more steps, Jules…” Few more steps and he opened the door, still laughing at Brad’s stupid jokes, still seeing that cleavage…the way she was moving around, searching everywhere, messing up his things like a curious kid, looking through his CD collection with such an attentive eye as if she had expected to find God there, then picking one of them at random, a Tom Jones track, humming in low voice while dancing alone…eyes closed…that cute little head with curly hair bent a little bit…naughty smile…”So where’s my man tonight?...who’s gonna take the lady to the dance floor?”…not Brad, that’s for sure…he was too stoned to do anything but lying on the couch with his legs apart, grinning at the beauty and spreading filth on her with that grin…”Hey, stranger…please do the honors…lady is waiting…” Oh, how he waited too, all these five, long, terrible years, a chance to feel her body again, touching his, so close, so tender, so provocative and innocent in the same time… “You don’t help me very much, Jules…what have you done with your towels? So many towels I have bought for you…even some with your initials on them…J.R. …Jules Roy, my idol and my star…can’t keep anything around you, can you?...can’t keep your towels, can’t keep your women…you have to tell me about your women one day…and about that pretty girl from Vegas…can’t get anything from Brad, he’s dead as a rock when it’s about gossip…but we are friends, Jules, right?...best friends…so you can’t keep your secrets away from me…you really have to tell me about her…” Vegas…Vegas…what the hell does she mean by that?...what girl from Vegas and when had he been there?...a concert maybe?...last year?...fuck, Jules, who gives a damn about Vegas anyway?...he still feels that burn in his groin when thinking of her hips pushing him as they are pushing him right now over the bathtub…his hand moving along his back…can I feel your back again, Shirin?...can I kiss the line of your neck?...can I have a glimpse of these two babies of yours that you never knew how to hide under your fancy clothes and now I’m not even sure you ever wanted to?...how does it feel when he touches you, Shirin?...is he as good as he is when touching the chords?...does he make the same magic with you, with your tits, with your childish breasts you don’t want to show?...why are you smiling, Shirin?...why don’t you answer me?...why are you killing me with this smile?.... “There you go, my little Jules…no, no, no, let it like that…it has to be cold…otherwise I’ll never get to hear you singing again…you have to wake up, baby, do you hear me?...now stay with me…we will take off this shirt, ok?…you don’t mind, do you?...nice buttons you have…perfect taste in shirts, I’ve always said that…not like Brad, with his cowboy style that makes me puke…I told him so many times…take a look at Jules, he’s got it in his blood…but he’s so stubborn, my Brad…he never listens to anyone…I wonder how you two could get along for so many years…he never listens…” Bullshit, Shirin!...do you think I don’t see what you’re doing?...do you think I’m such a blind fool only cause I had some sugar tonight...you want me, baby, at least as much as I want you!...I know it from that night…those boobs pushing out from your blouse…was it red?...yeah, it had to be read, Shirin, red like your lips and your Irish blood…who gave you these lips?...do you suck him?...tell me, do you suck him, Shirin?...do you let him stuff it into your mouth and pump in, pulling your hair and panting as a fuckin’ pig, while his fuckin’ grin is spreading filth on you?... “Oh, God, Jules!...what have you done to your arm?...is that what you call a joint?...is that it?...cause to me it looks like my grandma’s needles fighting for your skin…you need help, baby, and this time you won’t get away with that…he really arranged you this time, huh?...I wish he gets busted one day, this Mickey…I could never understand why you guys like him so much…he’s a drug dealer, for God’s sake!...drug dealers can never have friends!...how could you let this happen?...well, I suppose it doesn’t matter much now anyhow…look at me, Jules!...yeah, baby, open your eyes…good boy…good, boy, Jules…” Who sent you, Shirin? Was it Brad? Was it Bob? Who asked you to come and play the Good Samaritan with me again? You, always you, always pretending that you know how I feel, always sympathizing with this poor old Jules!...but guess what?...he doesn’t need your sympathy, he doesn’t need your pity, he doesn’t need anything from you, bitch! Leave it, Shirin…go away!...just leave it!.... “Stay with me, baby!...just hold on a little bit more…few more minutes, Jules…do it for me…few more minutes, baby…come on, it’s not that hard…do you want me to sing for you?...but you have to sing with me, darling…you know how bad I am in this stuff…come on, let’s start…’give me a home’…’where the buffalos roam’….I wanna hear you, Jules, ok?…sing with me…what’s the next line?...damn it!...I can never remember the lines…what do you do when you don’t remember the words on stage, Jules?...improvise?...skip?...what do you do?...” I love you, Shirin…why are you wasting your life with that guy?...why are you wasting your life with me?...what are you doing, Shirin?...where are you taking me?...is it really you?...my Shirin?...my angel?...why do I love you so much?...you know, Brad knows, even the guys know…everybody knew it but me…you are an angel, Shirin, and now you came for my soul, isn’t it?...those fuckers sent you to take my soul…but I have no soul, Shirin…I already lost it that night, when we danced in the dark, when we sat and talked and sang my songs…your songs, Shirin…nothing was mine from that day when I brought Brad, and Brad brought you, and you brought my music…I love you, Shirin… “Stay with me, Jules!...” I love you…