Disappointed, sad and unaware of what’s coming next

Yesterday I saw coming upon me the biggest disappointment from the one person who should have never brought that word in my life. After this last week of silence, I was expecting an eye to eye look, some words spoken face to face, before I left until the 29th September. I always compare what I’d do to what she/he does for me and seldom has this phrase popped up: “How come didn’t I see a certain thing from her/his behalf? It seemed so reasonable, so likely to do or say!” That’s what I said to myself yesterday while unable to stop crying... Should I have tormented myself by trying to understand his/her behaviour or leave it as it was and accept everything? You don’t see someone you say you care for a lot and love for a week, you know he/she’s going for some time, promise to come and then just talk to that individual on the net as if everything’s ok… then “no. I ain’t coming”…and my simple reply: “ok, thank you”. Empathy… I would have done anything just to get there to her/him, even crossed the country barefooted. I had missed and would have done everything. But that’s just me, and comparing to what I would have, to what she/he would have, hurts me even more, cause I thought we were the same. You share your time with a million others and forget about the essential ones which are worth a million times more. If I were in the present situation in his/her place, I’d let my ego shatter, as it doesn’t work in a friendship, and apologize if understood the reason or do whatever possible for things to get back to normal. Although they never will, just as they were. I don’t know… I’d do anything in my power…and I’ve been left with the impression that this doesn’t mean much to her/him anymore. I….yeah…I would never give up not even for a second because I would know that she/he didn’t want me to…still that plain “…ok” as a reply just… dunno. If not for M. I would have cried all night long and written all kind of stuff….I need more, I love more, I care more… Just between you and me… I hope “us” still exists. Monday, 17 September 2007 21:38:38