The ultimate smile

8 years ago The sound of hurried people, ravished paper, constant beeps, were no new for him. He has been working in this ambient for over a year now and nothing seemed to bother him anymore. It was just that today wasn’t a day like all the others; today he wasn’t here for work, but for her. While waiting, he felt his heart constrict. It was the weirdest feeling ever and he couldn’t quite find its origins. All he knew was that he wanted to be in there with her, to hold her hand, to tell her everything will be all right, to give her a reassuring smile and yet he was left outside, told to wait, pulled away from her. “Don’t worry intern.” said the doctor, patting his back. “Everything will be just fine.” Will it? he found himself wondering. He just smiled and gave a faint nod. He never was too much of a talker, always resuming to his gestures when words weren’t needed. Fidgeting, he found himself staring at the two doors that stood between him and the woman he loved. He was nervous. What the hell was he nervous about? His friends and colleagues assured him that nothing wrong would happen. The noise coming from the other side of the doors made him stir. He sat up from his chair and slowly proceeded towards the place the noises came from. In a flash of a moment, agitated nurses went in and out, different expressions on their faces. He felt his legs gave in. Working as an intern at the hospital taught him that the images he was witnessing weren’t good news. Frozen in spot he could do no more than looking helplessly at the commotion in front of him. It must have been fifteen minutes since he was sitting there, in front of those two, unbearable, white doors as the sounds became more and more faint, the fuss lessening. The silence was deafening. “Intern Kim!” “…” “Intern Kim!” the man in front of him said, looking worriedly and reaching out a hand on his shoulder. “What happened?” he heard himself asking, face plain, drained off of any emotion, only for his cracking voice to give him away. His eyes locked with the doctor’s waiting for the answer. His question silenced the other man, barely looking away in misery. Anticipation was killing him. He knew what happened. For the Hell of God, he needed confirmation, while the little trace of hope still lingered in his heart, shattering it. “We lost her!” was more like a whisper that could have easily passed as a rustle of a file, but he knew better. Tearing his eyes form the empty space he was watching, he looked at the slim man who was talking to him. With his face expressionless, he patted the other’s back and sighed an “It’s ok!” before heading to nowhere in particular. “Intern Kim!” He stopped in his tracks looking aside, back still facing the doctor. “The baby…” the doctor started, gathering the attention he wanted. “The baby survived. We managed to save him.” Turning in slow motion, head feeling like weighting tones, the so-called intern Kim, released an almost inexistent tear and just stared. “Intern Kim?” ~ - ~ - ~ Present day “Doctor Kim!” The black haired doctor raised his head to glance at the person who called his name. With a small nod and a smile plastered on his face, he invited the young woman to approach. “What’s new, nurse Kwon?” he said, familiarity radiating from his voice. Smiling back, she went to sit beside the man she knew for almost a lifetime. Taking a glance at her clipboard, she resumed staring at the small test tubes in his hands while speaking. “The patient from room 200, his condition improved. You need to check on him, but I’m pretty sure we can discharge him this afternoon.” after a short pause: “Three new patients accusing stomachache, nausea and severe headaches came in this morning. At first-sight it looks like food empoisoning but I think there’s more than meets the eye. My suspicions…” she said, now looking at him “...are based on the fact that the youngest of the three showed some traces of desolation, maybe lack of memory or short amnesia, I’m not sure yet. If my guessing is right, they are infected…” Cutting her before she had the chance to finish, the doctor stood up and shook his irritation away before fixing his gaze on the silenced nurse. “It’s been the sixth case this month only. What the hell is going on? Why can’t I find the damn cause? None of the patients seem to be connected in any way, nor did they do anything similar. I have no clue what’s generating this disease and I don’t have any cure for it either. It’s frustrating!” Resting his right hand on his forehead, he closed his eyes and lost himself in the world of thoughts. The nurse knew better than to disturb him, choosing to only look at him while spacing out herself. Doctor Kim motioned his body through the small lab, fingers running past the ebony locks, lungs itching from the harsh breathing. His slim legs stopped in their tracks when he heard the pager’s beeping. The hands submerged into his pockets to find the phone, taking it out and dialing on the speed number. “Kim, Genetic Disease Department! Come quick, we might have found something!” the voice on the phone said, not letting the other room for reply. “Take Shim with you!” The line went dead and the doctor almost ran out of his laboratory, completely forgetting about the nurse. “Jae!” she shouted when he was about to turn the knob. “What about those three?” “Keep them on watch!” retorted the man, not looking into her direction, proceeding into walking out of the room. “I’ll go check on them after. This is may also have something to do with their cases, B. It’s important.” With that he exited the lab and went to find doctor Shim, composing himself in the process, erasing any trace of expression of his face. He learnt to do that a long time ago. He needed to be like that. He hated to be considered weak, all the more after she… after he lost her. Subconsciously he grew to lock himself from the world, always plastering a happy face or just keeping his figure unreadable in front of the others, to the extent that people became somewhat afraid of him for never knowing what he was thinking. But that didn’t bother him. Only few knew the real him and he considered it to be enough. He did not need to be pitied, he did no need sympathy; he just needed to be understood and let alone with his issues. Soon he arrived in front of one door which had a tag on it writing: “Dr. Shim Changmin”. ~ - ~ - ~ The door flung open revealing a small figure resting his forehead on top of large wooden desk, fatigue written all over his face, eyes examining the piece of paper underneath them, sweat trailing the curves his jaw. The noise made him stir. He looked up to see who the intruder was, only to find himself unable to keep his lids open. He felt dizzy and maybe, if it wouldn’t have been for the chair he was sitting on, his legs would have gave in. Succeeding a faint smile, he tried to make the room stop spinning around and leaned back on the desk, only for a worried voice to pierce into his overly sensible ears. “Junsu! Hey, Junsu! What’s wrong? Answer me!” He wanted to reply but his words just wouldn’t come out. He felt strong arms encircling his waist, warmth spreading fast through his body. He didn’t quite understand his body’s reaction and yet his mind had no time to process it as he passed away. ~ - ~ - ~ “Doc, look at this! It seems like the cell is morphing.” “Is this a bad joke?” he said, a grimace appearing on his figure, still looking into the microscope given to him. “The cell’s plasma membrane is creating a substance to destroy its own organelles? How is this even possible? The cell is killing itself…” “Doc, the process started when we tried the new serum created to prevent the antibody from interfering with the vaccine… All the other patients reacted well at the serum, but not him. The kid’s system won’t let us heal him.” Panic seemed to cross over the doctor’s face while listening to his colleague. He took the clipboard, scratching the latest discovery and decided that coffee wasn’t helping his migraine, while trying to think of another way to come up with a cure for the poor kid he loved so much, yet he had no clue in how to save his life. Struggling, he slid into his chair and rested his head on his arms. A touch on his shoulder made him look up and the gentle voice made him relax a bit. “Hey, Heech… it’s ok! Don’t give up! Have fate! Even if it takes a little more, we will find it. We won’t let him die… not like her.” Heechul took his time in processing her words, while his eyes traveled aimlessly through the cell. She only stood there, one arm around his shoulders. The white gown made her look almost angelic, but she wasn’t far from being an angel herself, at least in his eyes. They knew each other for over 12 years, they have been working together since then, they became best friends and they ended up being lovers. Falling for him since the day they met, she was always there for him to support him through the worst times of his life. When everything came crushing down on him she was there to save him from falling. He was a junior doctor when his life suddenly changed. It was a normal night shift and the hours seemed to pass by without any interesting events. When someone called him to assist to a caesarean he thought he might as well join. On his way to the operation saloon, he was told that his presence had been requested by an intern, a friend of his and also colleague – Kim Jaejoong - because the woman in question was the other’s fiancée. He was sure the operation would end up without any problems; the last thing he had expected was for complication to unfold themselves as soon as the umbilical cord was cut. It seemed like throughout the pregnancy, the fetus had developed some sort of genetic mutation which had been kept under control by the mother’s organism up until the delivery, when the connection between the two was interrupted. The same mutation was the reason the mother died. It affected her blood vessels and provoked to her a huge internal bleeding which couldn’t be stopped. The period that came after, was the worst ever. Facing accusations and almost being thrown out of the hospital he had to prove everyone he wasn’t at fault. The hardest thing, though, was seeing his friend and colleague suffer. Since coming to work into the hospital, Jaejoong and him became really close, the later always asking for his opinion in his cases. They were known as the “Kim duo”, every time working together. When the incident happened, their friendship faced a hard time and they barely spoke to each other. But after he was finally able to prove his innocence they got close again, yet this time an invisible wall was built between them; one of guilt and lack of completely forgiveness. No one could be blamed for it, though, and he was aware of that. He only hoped one day things will return as they used to be, while watching his friend change, bit by bit, locking up from everybody. ~ - ~ - ~ A door was opened and footsteps could be heard approaching. Two figures, both dressed in white gowns, proceeded into the room. “Kim! Shim!” Heechul said, lifting himself from the desk chair. “You came…” “What did you find out?” cut in the shortest of the two. His slim body approached the doctor, eyeing him with anticipation. “Kim! Hell, could you speak already?” his voice vibrated harsh through the cell, making everybody stir at his command. They were few the times when the short doctor would burst out like that. His everyday expressionless figure would crack only in extreme situations and it seemed that this was one of those. “Kim, calm down!” said the tall doctor who was now on his left, a hand reaching Jaejoong’s shoulder. Turning to the other doctor he spoke again “So, Doc, what do you have for us? Don’t make Kim wait too long or you’ll soon loose your speaking ability” he tried to joke around for the atmosphere to become more relaxed. “The serum has good results, but not for the kid.” the man finally voiced out with a sigh. “And…” he made a move to stop the other’s attempts to speak. “…it seems like the kid’s body is rejecting the vaccine too. Unfortunately the cure we discovered works only on the other patients. This is partly good news ‘cuz we’ll be able to stabilize the disease, but we still have to work on something else for the kid.” “So this is saying that the serum we produced can be successfully combined with the vaccine?” asked Changmin, looking over at the now speechless Jaejoong. A small nod was his response. He looked in deep thoughts before speaking again, this time his voice more confident and more demanding. “Then can you tell me what the hell we are doing here, sitting around waiting for pink pigs to fall out of the sky, huh?? Why aren’t we vaccinating the patients and researching for the cure that will help the kid?” ~ - ~ - ~ When he opened his eyes he was welcomed by the cold rays of November sun. A white blanket laid loose on his body and a vase full of flowers colored the otherwise so sober room. After a few moments of trying to adjust his vision, he thought of getting up, but soon realized that it was the worst idea at that moment and let himself fall against the fluffy pillow underneath him. He sighed. He knew why he was there, he knew that for the past three weeks he barely ate, he barely slept and that was the cause of his weakening body. He knew it and still he was upset he was stopped. He didn’t have time to rest; not now when more and more children were brought in by their worried parents, hoping that someone would take good care of them and heal their sickness. He wanted to be that someone, he wanted to be the hero, but a hero doesn’t crush like he did, a hero doesn’t disappoint the ones waiting for him to save them. So he isn’t a hero after all. The door crept open and a little head popped in. Big black eyes were staring at him, smiling like sunshine when he saw him awake. Hurriedly the black haired boy ran beside his bed and jumped in, all excided that his favorite doctor had woken up, messing with the sheets. Junsu took the boy into his arms, kissing his forehead and grinning widely. He then heard another voice greeting him. “Hey, Junsu! How are you? Are you feeling well now?” “Yeah, I’m fine, thanks!” Junsu replied. “You really gave me a big fright, back there.” the voice said again. “What was all about?” “Don’t worry, Yoochun. It was just fatigue. This sleep made me feel better now.” “Uncle Su, don’t overwork yourself.” stated the little boy while sitting in his lap. “I need you to be super duper extra fresh at my birthday. You promised you would show us some magic tricks, do you remember?” “Of course I remember, Yoonwhan. How could’ve I forgotten?” averting his gaze over to the boy’s father he asked: “Did she say something about me coming? If she doesn’t like my presence there I won’t come. I don’t want to bring you trouble.” “Don’t worry, buddy.” Yoochun patted his shoulder. “Do come without any fear. She’s in a business trip anyway. She won’t be home.” saying that his facial expression changed. A short pause marked the awkward moment, but he continued. “Tell me, will you bring Li Yin along?” he just had to ask, though he hated to think that “yes” was also a possible answer. “Yes! She will come with me.” rang into his ears and all Yoochun wished was for his perception to be wrong. But he knew it wasn’t wrong, he knew… “Is it really necessary, Junsu?” he asked in distress, a grimace disturbing his fine lines. “Yoochun!” Junsu replied, desperation filling his voice, already high pitched. “Accept it! In three weeks she will become my wife. We already talked about it. I’m not gonna do this all over again. I have the right to form my own family… just like you did.” “But…” “No ‘buts’, Yoochun!” Why did it feel so strange to hear his name coming from the other’s lips? Was it because of his tone? Was it because range replaced the warmth that used to fill its letters? It hurt so much… “This is decided!” Junsu continued “… like it or not!” Yoochun looked away, head slightly bowed. He simply couldn’t look into the man’s eyes anymore. It was hard for him to accept his biting words; it was hard to know… that he was loosing him. “Appa!” sobbed the oblivious kid in Junsu’s lap. The scene he was given to assist was too much for him to bear. He loved both men and he didn’t want them to hurt each other anymore. “Don’t fight anymore, appa!” his right hand trying to cup his father’s face, while the other one was already comforting Junsu. “I’m sorry, Yoonnie!” said Yoochun with a cracking voice. “Appa’s sorry! Please stop crying… please!” He cuddled his son, caressing his little head, stroking his black hair. Junsu stood there, absorbing the images. He felt jealous and he hated himself for feeling that way. The kid was the reason of his unhappiness and yet, he loved him too much to feel hatred towards him, but from time to time he would just get wrapped by the claws of jealousy. He fought the feeling and looked away. Yoochun lifted his son from Junsu’s lap and stood up, wanting to leave the room. Yoonwhan shifted in his embrace but he eventually let his father carry him towards the exit. “We’ll leave you so you can rest, Junsu. I really hope you will recover soon. We shall meet at the party.” Junsu made no attempt to say something back or to stop them. It was for the best. He just watched the man leaving the room, deserting him into loneliness, like he always did. Anger chocked him while their previous conversation flashed back into his mind. He fought the tears threatening to slide down on his pale face. He was a man and men don’t cry. He was a man, wasn’t he? Yeah but he was a man who loved another man… ~ - ~ - ~ And out he was. His head was hurting, the walls were spinning, his heart was aching, he was angered, he wanted to burst out into tears, but he had to hold himself. He was at the hospital and he had his son with him. He had to be strong. “What happened?” Boa asked, upon seeing the young man’s puffed, red eyes, startling Yoochun in the process. Yoonwhan didn’t say a thing; he chose to sink his little face deeper into his father’s neck. Yoochun sighed at the scene. He knew how hard the whole situation was for his kid. “He’s just a lil’ upset about Junsu’s condition, that’s all.” “Oh, yeah, I’ve heard something. How is he now? It was such a luck you found him.” “Yeah! He’s ok now; recovering. What about you? Do you still have those headaches you told me about?” “No, thank God! Fortunately it was only because of the stress. But Jae drove me nuts. He got me checked and made me go through every available test on the face of the Earth. I so regret telling him. Sometime in the process he got me thinking that maybe his fears were true. I was so scared…” “Yeah, I see your point, but I see his too. I mean, man, he cares about you. You and the kid are his only family. Imagine how devastated he’d feel if something bad would happen to you, knowing he could have done something about it but he didn’t. Just give him some credit ok? He’s not a bad guy, a bit annoying, yeah, but in the end a loving creature.” By the end of Yoochun’s speech, Yoonwhan sadness had been replaced by a wide smile, the little man trying not to burst out into laughter. Boa was slightly amused to and Yoochun had to give himself a mental reward for making his son smile again. As he was about to say another thing, a voice cut in and greeted them. “Hi, guys! Little man!” Heechul approached, tickling the side of Yoonwhan’s neck. “What’s up with this gathering? And why wasn’t I invited?” he said in a mocking tone. He tried to be playful and sound ok but his face betrayed him. Boa didn’t fail to notice that something was bothering him. She knew him better. “What’s wrong, Doc?” she asked, sighing. Heechul tried a faint smile without looking at her and the words he wanted to utter came out more like whispers. “Go speak with Kim! I think he needs someone to talk to.” “But…” Boa’s expression grew worried “… didn’t you call him earlier to give him a good news?” “Well… good news can sometimes turn into bad news, can’t they?” “What went wrong?” Yoochun saw it ok to butt in. “The cure we found… won’t work for the kid.” He struggled. It was hard to think of it. Partly, he felt responsible for not being able to find that damn cure. He knew Boa and Yoochun will add at the list of worried people, all of them knowing that if they didn’t find it soon the poor boy won’t live to see another blooming spring. “You mean YoungHo?” trailed Yoonwhan’s scared voice. “Is he… is he gonna…” “Hush, baby! Hush!” Boa tried to calm the boy, caressing his little hand. “Don’t worry! We won’t let that happen. Ok?” Yoonwhan nodded, tears appearing short in his eyes. Heechul just patted the crying boy and turned to walk away announcing. “I have to do something before it’s too late. I hope Jae won’t get mad.” ~ - ~ - ~ “Appa! You came…” the kid voiced out faintly. “Yes, baby. Of course I came.” Jaejoong’s features eased and his cold mask cracked, closing the door behind him and approaching the bed. “Don’t I every day?” he asked watching the small body laying between the white hospital sheets. A skinny white hand stretched out to invite him closer. He took it, his gaze falling on the never ending wires and perfusions piercing each of the boy’s wrists. Looking up he saw the oh-so-familiar machines that were connected to the kid’s chest to monitor his heart-beating and his breath, reassuring him that he wasn’t talking to a ghost, though the piece of life in front of him looked pretty much like one. “Then you’re late.” came the faint voice again. “You usually come a lot earlier. What kept you so long? Is there anything wrong with your other patients?” “Don’t worry, sweetheart. Everything’s fine. Just tell me: how are you feeling today?” he deliberately avoided his child’s question. How could he possibly tell him the real reason of his delay? He couldn’t tell him that thirty minutes ago he was excided, almost happy, that he had finally found something to ease his baby’s pain but ten minutes later that hope was crashed, squashed, shattered and broken into tiny pieces just because fate was having fun fucking with them. He looked away, fearing that pain may be too obvious on his face. His long fingers traced circles on the frail ones that were resting in his palms. Jaejoong waited for his kid to answer, but nothing could have ever prepared him for what he was given to hear next. “Appa, when I’ll die…” YoungHo traced and Jaejoong flinched at the unexpected topic, his features becoming blank as he stared in horror at the pale face in front of him, a face of a kid yet aged by the pain and all the suffering his body had been through. His mouth went dry at the attempt of speaking. Shock was an understatement at the moment. YoungHo continued. “… can you… no! Promise me that you won’t suffer or cry! Promise you will continue to be a good doctor and save more lives. Do it for me!” Jaejoong could not respond; he was astonished. He blinked away the tears that were starting to form at the corners of his eyes and stretched a forced smile before taking a deep breath to calm his emotions. He finally found his voice and uttered bitterly, no higher than a whisper: “Don’t think about that, YoungHo. You won’t… die…” his words chocked in his throat but he forced himself to continue despite his cracking voice “…not soon at least. I’ll be really old when that happens.” Though he tried to make a joke, his smile didn’t touch his eyes. His only hope was that his words would distract the little boy from the delicate subject and they could continue talking about brighter things. He wasn’t into condition to think about death. He was sure that in his state of mind, more mortification would lead him to madness and that was the last thing he wanted. He wouldn’t let YoungHo face the pain alone, not with what was coming. Much as he wanted to close himself into a world of illusions and fairytales, the real world had important people who relied on him. Deception was not an alternative. He would fight at all costs to erase that option. “Appa!” that little sound and a light poke on his nose woke him up from his reverie. “Would you tell me again about umma?” YoungHo stiffed. He was afraid that his father may not want to fulfill his request. It was always a hard story for him to tell but he did it nonetheless every time YoungHo had asked for it. This time Jaejoong smiled warmly, the matter triggering sweet memories that melted his cold mask. Mesmerized by his own thoughts, he started gently, pouring out facts that happened more than 8 years ago: “Your umma was a really beautiful woman back then, you know? She resembled a lot to your aunt Boa. Because they were identical twins, as a kid I’d always find myself confused of who was who, but time passed by and I grew more used to them and began to see the slight differences that were making them unique. I guess growing up together made us have the same interests so it turns out that we all applied for the same university. The three of us ended up in Med School having a pretty similar schedule. After some time, we became pretty popular, so more and more students would spend time with us, hanging around, doing plain nothings or just playing medical pranks on our weak-hearted neighbors. We spent so much time together that sometimes when one of us went missing we would start to worry. We were like this big, happy family.” A little smile light up Jaejoong’s face as the memories went on. They were blissful times and maybe the happiest of his life. He treasured them more than anything. “At that time, Rhey, your umma, was infatuated with other guy from our group. They started dating and that’s when I first discovered what I really felt about her. It never crossed my mind until then that she may mean something more than a sister to me, because I was so used to her and your aunt Boa to be around me at any time of day. Besides, what’s weirder is that I was dating your aunt Boa.” He chuckled at the thought. “None of us seem to find any explanation of why or how we ended up as a couple. Your aunt Boa says it’s bizarre how fate played with us, twisting our paths. Fate again...” he muttered for himself the last words, pausing a bit to regain his control over his feelings. The irony of things didn’t miss its hint. While trying to compose himself, he had to wonder why was it that he always had an urge to distort the story, to lie to his son. Was it in fact that he was trying to lie to himself? Were those lies enough to really change the past? No, of course not. He was just asking for too much and he knew it. But that didn’t change the fact that he never really told YoungHo what truly happened. Never once did he slip that the person the kid’s mum was dating, wasn’t in fact one from their group. Moreover, Jaejoong found that guy hard to swallow, and not only because Jung Yunho had stolen the girl he liked, but also because… because… Did I ever need a reason to hate that guy in the first place? Jaejoong thought. It seems that we were on a war-foot without even knowing or speaking to each other. He was the most arrogant person I had ever came across with. Just by looking at him it was obvious. Jaejoong’s beautiful features were darkened by a small frown crossing his forehead, his eyebrows being pulled together in slight distress. He didn’t even feel the coldish hand tugging the rebellious bags that hung at the side of his face, nor did he notice YoungHo’s amused smile while trying to get his attention. Only when he heard his name shouted in his ear Jaejoong realized he was spacing out, more than he should have. “Appa, up until now, you’re still jealous of that man, aren’t you?” YoungHo trailed, chuckling in the process. Jealous? Jaejoong thought. I don’t really think it has anything to do with jealousy for that matter. “It’s ok if you want to skip that part.” the kid trailed on, oblivious of his father thoughts. “You can continue from when he left for that scholarship in America. Besides that’s when things worked out for my procreation.” “YoungHo!” Jaejoong’s embarrassment could be read all over his face; the usually pale chicks were now scarlet flushed and his awkward laugh was securely hidden behind his large, white-creamy hand. “Where did you learn that word?” “Aunt Boa.” he answered without hesitation. “I once asked her how I was born and she explained me the entire process.” “What?” the doctor asked bewildered. “What on earth was she thinking?” “Appa… I just wanted to know.” the little kid said with a pout. “Don’t be mad at her.” “But…” Jaejoong breathed out in disbelieve. He didn’t know what else to say. Just then, a petit head popped in from the door. “Hi, guys! “Aunt Boa!” YoungHo said excited. “Boa!” came Jaejoong’s rough voice. “Is there something wrong?” she asked slightly afraid of his friend’s reaction. “You have some explanation to give, young lady!” said Jaejoong in the same stern tone. “Appa…” ~ - ~ - ~ “I’m still mad at you!” said Jaejoong while carefully closing the door behind him. “Just because YoungHo pleaded me not argue with you about this…” “Then don’t!” Boa cut him in. “I really don’t see the problem in him knowing about his birth” she defended. “It’s his right after all.” “He’s only 8, Boa!” he said exasperation rising from his voice. “Don’t you see my point?” “I really don’t. But you should have seen his doe eyes when he pleaded me to tell him… ow… he looked so much like the old you.” “You’re nuts, you knew that? Sometimes I wonder how old you really are.” “Same as you.” “Tell me about it…” “Jae! B!” someone said, calling for them. “There you were! I’ve been looking for you.” “What’s up, Leah?” Boa asked. “Did something happen?” “No, not really. It’s just that Heechul wants to see you guys. He has some announcements to make.” “What announcements?” Jaejoong titled his head curiously. “Is he marrying again?” “If that was a joke, I surely didn’t taste it.” replied Leah humorlessly. “What’s with you guys? When did you start annoying each other?” Boa asked suspicious. “I just found that it’s fun teasing Heechul’s wife.” the doctor said slightly amused. He earned a comic pout from Leah, but then she remembered what she was supposed to do and took a deep breath before sighing. “Let’s go guys. Heech is waiting for us.” she said, putting her arms around their waists, as to guide them to their destination. ~ - ~ - ~ The conference room seemed pretty crowded as he entered it and proceeded to take a seat. He looked around, hoping to see any familiar faces, but besides Kim Heechul, the doctor who had contacted him at the hospital he was working in America to ask him to join his team, none of those faces was the particular one he was actually searching for. He sighted, the unfamiliarity creeping up on his spine making him slightly uncomfortable. All those doctors who came there too meet him, to greet him, were at the moment bored and not really interested in starting a conversation in which he could be included so he was left alone, neglected and with plenty of time to thing about the reason he was there. The real reason, not the one he wanted so much to make himself believe. When Kim Heechul had called him, he was leading a quite joyful life. He was a successful doctor with many awards to commend his skills; he had a beautiful dog that filled up the empty space of a loved one; a pretty car was his pride and the wonderful mansion his late aunt gave him could get anyone jealous of his luck. He thought he couldn’t have asked more from live, but when that goddamned call came all the way from Korea and he heard the name he wanted to think he had long forgotten, he couldn’t help but feel hallow and alone. The guy on the phone presented himself as Doctor Kim Heechul from Seoul National Hospital. He said he wanted to speak with him about a research program they were performing back in Korea and they were interested in working together. He had to think about it, he answered at the time, but when the names of the members who formed the team pierced his ears, he stood froze, for a moment, afraid to look around for that his perfect world may just crush down on him. The name Kim Jaejoong was enough to make his vision go blur and his mind get clouded. The very same man he ran away from more than 8 years ago was the one fate presented the opportunity of working with. There wasn’t anymore doubt that he was crazy, when the acceptance words slipped out of his mouth. And now, here he was: lying to himself that the reason he accepted the offer was just for the sake of research and nothing more. There was no way back and if his decision had been a mistake or not, he’d soon find out. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes softly, trying to clear his thoughts and to calm his hectic heart beating. God, he was really there, he was really going to meet the person he ran away almost 9 years ago. That same person used to own his heart back then… he was afraid to find out if he still did. When the murmurs died and strong steps mastering the floor could be heard, he wished he had never made the decision of coming back to Korea. His head rose in slow motion, unwilling to reveal the figures of those who had just arrived in the conference room, but it happened nonetheless. His gaze fell on a blank, statue-like face. What he saw shocked him because he never expected that the jovial, always happy teenager could grow into an ice-man with lifeless eyes and expressionless features. It was like he was seeing the shadow of the man he once loved. Jaejoong, what happened to you? “… and I thought it was for the best to bring Jung Yunho.” when he heard his name mentioned by Heechul only then he realized he was staring at Jaejoong and Jaejoong was staring back at him, but the look in the cold man’s eyes seemed now fired with anger and ready to burn holes if that possible. Yunho’s face changed from shock to fear in a matter of seconds noticing the other’s reaction. He panicked. Wanting to escape the deadly glare, Yunho’s eyes darted aside where they met the petit familiar figure. Rhey? Or is it… is it Boa? Are they still together? Did they get married? He lost himself into the train of thoughts and feelings. His heart was weighting 100 pounds now, showered by sadness, pain, confusion, shadowed happiness and strange melancholy. What was he expecting anyway? Did he even hope Jaejoong had changed his choice in the past 9 years of separation? Did he? After that harsh rejection from back then? He sure was stupid. To think he still cared after all this time made the whole situation hilarious. “Heechul, I think you underestimate yourself.” Jaejoong voiced out, maintaining a calm façade, but his body was showing his real mind. His knuckles were already white from squeezing too much his balled fists. Every tensed muscle was marking their well build shape through the blue sweater from underneath the white gown. “I assure you, we don’t need anymore staff for our project.” He tried speaking clear through his clenched teethes, but the rest came out more like a hiss. “You, me, Changmin and your wife, Leah, we do a great job by ourselves. It was just us from the very beginning and I intent to keep it that way from now on also. We don’t need someone to come boss us around and stick his nose into our business just because some “spectacular” degree, gotten while kissing asses overboard, tells him he is qualified to do so. I’m not willing to accept this.” “Jaejoong…” Heechul blurred in disbelief. “Wait a minute!” Yunho burst out angered and hurt by the other’s piercing words. Can I have a saying in this, since it seems it’s about me?” he demanded managing to keep his temper under control. “Sure. Go ahead!” Jaejoong answered, his lips forcing a fake smile that failed to look natural on his marbled face. “I didn’t come here to boss anyone around or anything.” he started, emphasizing every reproduced word. “And I assure you my kissing-asses degree has helped a lot of people and the results of the project that granted it to me are still used by others in their own researches. But that’s besides the point. The reason I came here was because my help was requested. Your partner here expressed his wish to have me in your team. I didn’t come all the way back from America just to be encountered by this hostile attitude. I came to use my knowledge to help you finish your project and that’s what I’m intending to do, whether you like it or not!” Jaejoong was taken aback by Yunho\'s last statement. His frozen figure didn’t move an inch even when Heechul spoke, his eyes boring holes into the black ones of the man who dared to defy him. “Can we try to calm down?” came the doctor’s pleading. “We are not alone!” He’s words left the room be washed by an uneasy silence, disturbed from time to time by the quiet breaths of those who had witnessed the scene. The angry beep of Jaejoong’s pager was the only sound that pierced rough through the stillness. He looked at the ID on the screen and for a mere second horror cracked his stoned features. “YoungHo!” he gasped and stormed out of the room without any explanation, leaving behind a perplexed Yunho and a worried Heechul who followed him soon after. ~ - ~ - ~ Junsu closed hurriedly his consulting room and sped up to the meeting he was supposed to arrive thirty minute ago. He didn’t even sense the time passing by while checking up the little girl’s injured leg. He had been too absorbed into his job that not for a minute did he think that he had other important things to attend to. Carrying for children was his passion, the sole reason he had became a pediatrician and when it came to them nothing in the world could make him avert his thoughts of the task. He smiled at his own fixation. He couldn’t do much about it, now could he? He was born with it and his only choice was to follow that path. He shook his head to dismiss the aleatory thoughts; it wasn’t the time for day dreaming and neither was the moment to complaint about the past. He was about to pass the corner when he heard loud shouts coming from behind a slightly open door. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop but one voice made him still. “What the hell are you doing here, Stephanie?” said an angered Yoochun. “What the fuck are you thinking? Isn’t it enough torture to have to put up with you at home? Do I have to stand your filthy behavior even at work now? Why, for the love of God, did you have to slap Yoona for? What on earth did she do to you, huh?” “Don’t tell me, Yoochun, that you didn’t notice her bull eyes after you?!” retorted Stephanie, apparently unafraid by the other’s flaming tone. “She wasn’t even looking at me until you came and said those infamous things to her!” his voice grew more impatient. “What’s wrong with you?” “What’s wrong with me?” Stephanie snorted. “What’s wrong with me? Tell me, Yoochun, what the fuck could be wrong with a woman who finds out her husband is a freakin’ faggot that can’t even sleep in the same bed with.” “I may be a freakin’ faggot, but at least I’m not a slut who changes her bed every damn night and forgets she has a child to rise.” A slap could be heard and Junsu felt like it was him who was slapped. He could feel the awkward air between the couple while only heaved breaths stirred in the pressing silence. He wanted to leave when he heard Yoochun speaking again. “I want to divorce!” no anger could be sensed in his almost whispered voice, only pain. “I’m tired, Yoochun.” she uttered defeated. “I am too.” her husband sighted. A few steps were made and for all could Junsu imagine Yoochun was hugging a quiet Stephanie. “I’m keeping Yoonwhan.” Yoochun whispered into his soon-to-be-ex-wife’s ear. “I never doubted you would say that.” ~ - ~ - ~ YoungHo was his only concern at the moment; screw Yunho, screw the others, he will deal with them after. He had no time to worry about them, not while YoungHo was in danger. He prayed to God for this to be only a mistake, but that ID number on his pager couldn’t be wrong. He knew it by heart and he wished he had never had the need to use this knowledge. It was the ID for the extreme emergencies from YoungHo’s saloon. His vision got blurred by tears. No! That can’t be happening. Not so soon. He kept running down the halls bumping into people; patients, doctors, nurses, he didn’t care who they were, he’s only thought was for his legs to carry him faster towards the room that now seemed so far away. On the verge of falling, he still didn’t give up on his chase, he had to straighten himself, to arrive beside his son, to be there for him, to do whatever necessary to save him. Wait for me YoungHo! Don’t die on me, son. Just hang on! In front of his panting and shaking body, the door rested wide open. Commotion could be heard from inside, nurses rushed in and out and the noises made by the machines were covered by the humps and murmurs of those who were trying to bring the lifeless body back to life. Jaejoong had stopped in track seeing the scene playing before his eyes and everything around him seemed to have frozen. For a mere second the world had become motionless, soundless. It was just a faint sound, a wonderful, life-full sound that penetrated through the thick nothingness, bringing Jaejoong from the edge of heaven, back to his body, back to the noisy world he was now starting to love, and oh, that delightful sound, was the sound of a heart beating. He didn’t register his own steps bringing him near the ever so white bed on which an equally white figure rested in peace, now breathing and very much alive. He exhaled, feeling tiredness overwhelming him. When was the last time he had slept anyway? He couldn’t bring himself to remember. Relief washed over him and he didn’t give a damn about anything else. His son was saved, he hadn’t lost him. A tender touch woke him up form his reverie. He hadn’t been aware of Boa and Heechul arriving behind him and he gave them an apologetic smile. It died soon, though, because Junsu\'s words broke him once more. “I arrived just in time to perform CPR on him,” he explained “I was the one who gave you the emergency call, cuz’ I knew you would want to be here in these moments. I tried my best. I really did… I’m sorry Jaejoong.” he paused. “I couldn’t do more… he… YoungHo… he entered in what I assume to be… the last stage of the disease.” he hesitated. Another pause was followed. “He’s in coma…” As he said the last words, Junsu expected the world to come crushing down on him, the earth to open up underneath him, or, at least, thousands of thunders to erupt in his eardrums, but nothing came. He stood still, afraid that maybe by making a move he would realize that all hell broke loose and he was still in denial. Silence Every single soul in the room was now holding on their breaths, waiting for something to occur. Boa could swear that it was all a fucking déjà-vu and Heechul was terrified by Jaejoong\'s non-reaction. It was all too still, weighting them down, tiring them, mortifying them. Then all stopped moving once again when Jaejoong\'s unexpected words sent a wave of shock over them. “It’s ok!” was all he muttered before leaving everyone to stare dumbfounded at his retreating back. That was it: no tears, no screaming, no nothing. Just a simple, flat and detached it’s ok! “Wait!” Heechul was the first to regain composure. “That’s it?” he questioned but Jaejoong didn’t give the impression he had even heard the other speaking. He just kept walking out of the crowded room. “Jaejoong, stop it!” cried Boa, knowing him all to well. “He isn’t dead! He is still alive and he needs you now more than anything. Can’t you see it? He needs you sane, with a clear mind. Don’t you care disappointing him?” Boa’s words got to him and made him turn around. His cold, indifferent gaze scanned the ceiling. The tiny shadows of the tears he apparently had shed looked now too unfitting on his pale, flawless chicks and if any life was still lying into Jaejoong’s body, he sure made a good job hiding it. His dead gaze caressed YoungHo’s features and while his face showed nothing, his insides were crashing. God, he looked so helpless… so frail. Jaejoong’s heart turned into dust, lacking more ways to be broken. Again stillness caged the room. Too much silence already… and it was more to come. He took a short breath and his shallow eyes left the peaceful little being on the bed. “Junsu,” he finally uttered, “check if there’s anything to be done here for the moment and then get someone to watch over YoungHo for the night. If there’s any change in his condition feel free to call me no matter the hour. Heechul if you have something to discuss with me, please postpone it for the morning. The rest of you, don’t you just stay here. This hospital has plenty of other people waiting to be attended.” he exhaled and inhaled for some moments. “I am going home. I’m tired…” No one questioned him any further as they proceeded on doing what they had been told to. Only Boa and Heechul shared a knowing look, though none of them stopped the retreating Jaejoong. Two confused eyes watched the event without anyone being aware of their presence. Oblivious in the look of others, Yunho questioned the meaning of what had just happened. Something was wrong with the whole picture but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. The change in Jaejoong’s actions was confusing. One minute he would storm out of a conference room to check on the little boy like his life was maintained by the other’s existence, just for the next to act detached with no care in the world, like nothing had really happened. What was it really going on? Who was that kid on the bed, pierced with needles and tied to wires and life suppliers? What did he really mean to Jaejoong? More important, how were they related? There were too many questions and no one to answer them. Why to bother anyway? Jaejoong hated him; that was easy to guess. And for what was obvious his stay in Korea was gonna be short lived. He had no place there, no role to play and, for instance, no clue of what he should be doing next. A headache was the last thing he needed, but it came nonetheless, and he thought that it was for the best if he took some fresh air. A short pat on his back diverted his attention to the little woman who was checking him with an unreadable expression. “Jung Yunho” she said in a low voice, “you made a mistake by coming back!” ~ - ~ - ~ The rainy night was calming. The sound made by the little droplets in their fall was music for Junsu’s fatigued ears. It helped him relax a bit. It had been a hell of a week an there was no sign that things were going to change too soon. Since YoungHo had fallen into coma everything had became hectic. He hardly even remembered he had a home to go back to, no that he had anyone expecting for him there anymore. Jaejoong’s behavior had turned into a total enigma, amazing them all and the new guy, Jung Yunho, whom he heard about having a big fight with Jaejoong just before the “event”, tried his best to fit in, always around Heechul and sometimes manifesting an intriguing interest towards YoungHo. Maybe it was it was an interest pure scientific, after all his reason for coming back to Korea was to join the research team, wasn’t it? Or maybe it was more than that. But who would care anymore; he sure wouldn’t. He had his own problems, why bother with others’ as well? He stepped further on the stairs exiting the hospital. He was still sheltered against the rain. He knew better than to go out underneath the free sky and get all wet. He knew the consequences of an action like that wouldn’t be something he would be pleased to put up with. Not when he was so damn tired – both physically and psychically… He took out a cigarette and lighted it while sitting down on the stairs. He made small circles with the smoke. The tension in his muscles seemed to have somewhat eased and he allowed himself to get some moments of spacing out. As he closed his eyes, images of the recent events bugged his mood once again. It was all too heavy for one soul to carry… yeah, one soul! He was all alone – again – and it was a feeling he wanted to believe he had long forgotten. But no! Fate had to be a bitch and remind him how it was to be a fucking rejected. No! No! This time no tears were allowed. He had to pretend. It was easier to just close his eyes and pretend nothing of this shit had ever happened. He had to do it… otherwise he would go nuts. He whisked the ash and threw away the butt, then opened his eyes to search for another cigarette. He was somewhat surprised to find an extended hand offering one to him. He took it, not even looking at the owner’s face. “How long have you been here?” he asked, his voice monotone, uncaring. “A while…” Yoochun shrugged. “Did you enjoy the show?” the obvious accuse didn’t pass unnoticed. “You’re always full of nonsense, you knew that?” Yoochun bit back, taking a seat next to Junsu. “Maybe.” the other puffed out the smoke. “I received a letter today.” said the older searching for some sort of reaction. “Yeah?” Junsu asked without making eye contact with Yoochun. “Well, you’re not the only one, buddy. But I sure hope yours was better than mine.” he added bitterly. “What happened?” Yoochun asked ignoring Junsu’s ironic tone. While waiting for an answer he lighted a cigarette for himself too. “To be honest…” three smoke circles scattered into the thick air of the night. “ I have no idea myself. Just picture that. I guess I really am a failure after all… just like my old man used to say.” “Junsu, that’s not true and you know it!” “Do I? Really now, do I? Tell me something then: why the fuck everyone who supposedly loves me always leaves me behind in the end, huh?” “I’m still here!” ~ - ~ - ~ “You made a mistake by coming back!” The words popped into his head like they were on fucking repeat and it bugged him to no end. He wasn’t really sure what they meant but the courage to ask about it wasn’t exactly paying him a visit. He felt frustrated. Although, Lady Luck seemed to be on his side, because, just then Boa passed by and he took the opportunity to speak with her. “I want to know what you meant a week ago.” he looked at her expectantly. “Would you mind reminding me what you’re talking about? I said loads of things last week. It’s hard to keep track of them all.” she dismissed him indifferent. “Maybe you talked to the others, but to me you said only Jung Yunho, you made a mistake by coming back.” he tried imitating her. “And I was serious about it.” she added. “You shouldn’t have come back. Especially not now when everything seems to fall apart.” she sounded bitterly “Jaejoong needs a break and with you around, reminding him of a part of the past he wants to forget, I’m sorry to say this but I can’t see the sunshine with the two of you in the same place.” “Boa…” at least he knew he got the right sister. Where was Rhey anyway? “Yunho, please!” she cut him off, tired of him. “If you want to do something good, just stay away from Jaejoong. Don’t disturb him, or may the storm won’t ever end. It will mean the death of Jaejoong’s sanity. And trust me: no one wants this, no one needs this.” Especially not now remained unsaid. “Can you understand me for a second here?” Yunho pleaded. “I’m into the shadows. I came here to find out that the world I knew 9 years ago has changed more than I have ever imagined and I have no clue what made it like that. And if one thing I’m sure about is that I’m not the only one at fault for it. I want to know what’s wrong.” “Something happened between the two of you back then, didn’t it?” she whispered more to herself but Yunho heard it anyway. “It happened indeed.” he explained. “But it’s not enough for Jaejoong to have changed this much. I can understand his hatred towards me, after all I made a big mistake back then and I ended up hurting him and Rhey in the process, but where’s the ever smiling boy with shiny eyes and heart-full laugh? I know he never really spoke too much, but now, he walks among the others like a ghost, he never pays enough attention when he’s checking his patients like he’s absentminded and everyone in this hospital calls him ice-man. This is just plain wrong!” “Would you tell me what happened?” Boa asked, her curiosity not being the only feeling showed into her eyes. “Maybe if we piece together the story things will get clearer in the end. I can only share with you the events after your departure, but the changes started before that.” “I confessed.” Yunho admitted flatly, now was not the time to be ashamed of the past. Boa gasped. “Well now, that was unexpected.” she said, not looking at him. “And that explains why he was so angered at you after you left. Did you know Jae loved Rhey?” “What?” it was Yunho\'s turn to gasp bewildered. “Yeah, I thought so.” Boa let a sad smile caress her feature. She took a long, deep breath, braving herself to continue. “When you left, Rhey was crushed and Jaejoong mad with fury. I had few hints of the real events from back then so I never really questioned his words when he told me the origin of his rage was Rhey’s broken heart. I had no reason to believe otherwise, or so I thought. Rhey found consolation in Jaejoong’s arms and because at that time I was already aware of his feelings for her it didn’t bother me one bit. Actually I was glad that my sister had someone to pick up the pieces with after your departure. She felt lonely and Jaejoong was eager to wash that feeling away for her with his love. Two months later they found out that she was pregnant. Everything seemed rushed but they decided to get engaged and I didn’t stand against their wishes. My sister had a difficult pregnancy but Jaejoong stood beside her throughout the entire process and took care of her with love and devotion. All went well until one supposedly happy night. They were out, watching a movie my sister wanted to see, when the hell broke loose. She started having pain and they knew it wasn’t something good. She wasn’t supposed to give birth until 2 months later but she showed all the signs that it was time, so they rushed to the hospital where the doctors took her into the operation room. It was this hospital they came to. Heechul was the one to perform the surgery because Jaejoong trusted no one other, but when he got the child out something happened. Something draw the internal bleeding… she… she bled to death.” Yunho froze. He never had thought. Even if he hadn’t seen Rhey around since his return it never crossed his mind that she was dead. He stared at Boa waiting for her to continue, more than curiosity arising inside him. Boa blinked back the tears she didn’t want to shed anymore and resume to her story: “When he found out my sister had died, Jaejoong reacted the same as he had when YoungHo was about to die. Since then he became the stone man. That day he walked out of the hospital not caring about Heechul’s apologies. He didn’t come back for days and when he finally did, the news he received shattered him once more. His son was ill and they predicted no more than a few days until death would take its role again. But miracles do happen when people are stubborn and work hard enough. That’s how days became months and months became years. Eight to be specific.” Boa paused to glance at an amazed Yunho. He had already figured it out. “Yes, Yunho.” she confirmed his thoughts. “YoungHo is Jaejoong’s and Rhey’s child and up until now Jaejoong has struggled to keep that little, adorable kid, his box of sweet memories I call him, alive. He dedicated his life and job to steal one more breath for YoungHo from death’s claws. The project you came here to join in, it’s the project Jaejoong started eight years ago to find a cure from his son’s disease.” ~ - ~ - ~ Yunho was left wordless. What Boa had told him had answered some questions but raised others nonetheless. It was a cruel torment to process every ounce of information he received and he felt a headache ready to blossom. And to think his shift wasn’t going to end until five hours later, the perspective wasn’t one he would enjoy at the moment. He needed a distraction and he needed it badly. But the night seemed quiet and at peace. The rain made him wish he was at home, drinking a glass of warm milk or laying on his bed with a book in his hands. Maybe giving Heechul a hand with the researches would be a good move. At least the older doctor was glad to have him around, unlike others. All the more reasons to stick by the man’s side. Turning his steps towards the research lab, Yunho’s eyes met the one door he had avoided since the beginning, since the day things changed for every single person involved into this matter. He tried averting his gaze but another question struck him once again. The “what ifs” made their job to confuse his mind more than needed and he found himself in front of that specific door – YoungHo’s room’s door. Something was telling him to take a look, a closer look that maybe will reveal him another well kept secret. What if YoungHo was his and not Jaejoong’s son? What if he was lied all this time? It was possible. The night before he left for his scholarship in America Rhey asked him for one last night together, one last memory of them as a couple. What if that memory materialized itself into a child? What if, because of hatred and jealousy, Jaejoong never searched him to inform him he was a father? He knew now that all this could be possible. His hands clenched on the knob at the thought. What if Jaejoong’s only reason to love the kid was that he was part of the woman he had always been in love with. Jaejoong would never let him approach the little boy if that was true, fearing that the real father would claim his rights and he would lose the last thing that remembered him of the love of his life. But what if he was wrong? What then? He just needed to know. No matter the outcome he had to find the truth. He looked sideways, not wanting for Jaejoong to see him searching for his answers. It was his chance to confirm or infirm his madness. He inched closer to the door, taking an aching breath to brave himself. You can do this Yunho; he encouraged himself and slowly crept the door open. No sound was made in this action. His breath faded, his heart stopped beating and his vision got blur. He became still – a statue. Before his eyes a white clothed back, equally still, was loomed with each second the door took to widen itself. Jaejoong. The person he wanted to avoid the most at the moment was there. His mind was sending him signals to leave as fast as possible but his body refused to respond at the command. His feet seemed glued to the ground. His gaze fell on the man’s hand – the only part of his body that was moving. He was gently stroking the kid’s pale, bony fingers. Such a simple gesture and yet so many feelings it revealed. The love for the fading being on the bed was so strong Yunho thought he could touch it. He wasn’t aware of the amount of time passing by just watching the pair before him – seconds, minutes, hours. Who knows? Who cares? Yunho just wished he could freeze that image into a mental picture and wear it with him forever. A rough voice pulled him out of his trance and cold sweat made its way down his temple. More like hissed whispers, the words pierced his eardrums with their intensity. “What do you want, Jung Yunho?” The man couldn’t answer. Why didn’t he left when he had the opportunity? “What are you doing here?” Jaejoong’s stern voice echoed through the ceiling, his back still not turning to face the other. “I just wanted to see how YoungHo was doing.” he finally murmured. “What are you doing here?” the same question stroke the air like Yunho never said a thing. “I… I just… told you” Yunho said, not quite sure what the other really wanted. “What are you doing back in Korea?” Jaejoong finally shoot his real question. To say Yunho was taken aback by that was sure an understatement. He was bewildered and refused to give an answer even he didn’t have. What was the right thing to say? Why was he really back? The words were struggled up on his throat as he tried to look composed uttering them. “Duty’s call…” he said dry, unconvincingly. Jaejoong snorted incredulous, amazed by the other’s insincere answer. He knew the other was lying. He fucking knew it and it pissed him to no end. He had seen the vivid rush of feelings on the man’s face the time they reunited after the long separation. He loathed Yunho all the more because he was confusing him, like he did back then. He did not need this kind of emotions to take control over him, not when everything depended on his clear mind. He had tried to look detached in front of others, gathering some more hate from those who didn’t really knew him even, but inside him no one could ever imagine the storm he was going through and Yunho’s presence here was sure not helping his situation. “Go feed your lies to those willing to actually believe them.” Jaejoong flatly retorted. This fired Yunho up. “Why would I lie, huh?” he asked angered, feet inching closer, hands fisted in the air. “Tell me then, if work in not my real reason, what do you think it is?” he dared. Jaejoong took the dare and turned to face his opponent. His eyes flickered with tired mischief as he rose from his seat. “Don’t know. Maybe you finally found the courage to finish what you started nine years ago.” he smiled dryly. Yunho’s rage exploded. He took a step forward, trying to compose himself while hissing through his clenched teethes. “You are not the center of the universe, Jaejoong. Not everything revolves around you.” he squeezed his eyes shot, taking a deep breath to calm his fury and what he came out of his mouth moments later sounded like a strangled whisper. “It’s been nine years – nine years and a world between us. Things changed. I changed! I don’t love you anymore.” “Is that so, Yunho?” Suddenly opening his eyes, Yunho froze. How the hell did he end up pinned on the door and when did the door close anyway? But those where the least of Yunho’s worries, now that a hot breath caressed his earlobe, lingering down on his neck just to go up again. He wasn’t given too much chance to register the close proximity between them when a hand fastened around his waist and another squeezed on his cock and the voice, that now sounded so hoarse in Yunho\'s imagination (was he only imagining things?), purred more breathy words into his ear. “Then tell me why does your heart beat so fast” the voice whispered “and your breath seems to ache everytime you see me? Or… how come you’re so damn hard down here?” to emphasize his words, Jaejoong stroke the needing member in his hand. Some minutes passed before Yunho managed to regain his senses and yank himself from the short doctor’s embrace. He tried to step back only to find himself unable to do so – the door stood there as an obstacle. He opened his mouth to absorb some air as his lungs hurt for the lack of it. His lips felt dry and he restrained the urge to lick them, knowing that such an action may be a bad move at the moment. His body was surely trembling and his view had suddenly become blur. He wasn’t quite sure if the last couple of minutes were actually real. Why would Jaejoong do something like that? It was hard to understand what the other was thinking of. He was panting like after a huge effort and his legs weakened under him. It seemed like his voice had also long forsake him and all he wanted was to leave that room, to run away like his life was depending on it – and he did just that. ~ - ~ - ~ They walked inside the hospital, talking. It had been a while since the last time they talked so freely and it was refreshing. The smiles and laughs weren’t awkward or fake anymore, they were sincere and warm. It felt good. Junsu opened the door or his consulting room and invited Yoochun in. he enjoyed the other’s presence and the light conversation but they still had things to settle down. He wanted to ask the nurse some questions. If they were going to start their friendship anew and maybe someday in the future to even move to another level, they needed to be entirely honest and to trust one another. Taking a seat, Yoochun watched Junsu doing the same and once their gaze met, his lips stretched into a warm smile. He knew the young doctor had questions and he was willing to answer them truthfully. An awkward silence had fallen between them, but Junsu soon decided to break it by voicing out his thoughts. “Why did we lose ourselves?” he asked more like rhetorically. “What happened to us?” sadness and melancholy overwhelmed him. “Can we blame fate?” a sour and sarcastic laugh escaped Yoochun’s lips. “I don’t believe in fate.” Junsu said dry. “But what I do believe is that if I wouldn’t have left when I did, we would have still been together – together and happy.” “Don’t say that!” Yoochun rushed to contradict the other. “If you wouldn’t have left, you wouldn’t have become the good doctor you are now. I just wish… I just wish I could have been able to join you in your trip. Things would have been so much different…” he sighed. “What happened with… Stephanie? I mean how?” Junsu trailed off, the questions burning his throat. “You never really told me the whole story.” “It’s not much to say about it, actually.” Yoochun shrugged. He took a pause to think of a way to say things without hurting the young man. “After you left to pursue your studies in Tokyo I felt hallow. At the beginning I tried to stay strong because I knew that was the best I could do to support you. I was sure that if I’d have shown you some kind of weakness you’d have came back, but I really wanted you to follow your dreams and not to stay behind because of guilt. Soon though, I found a friend in alcohol and that’s when Steph came into the picture. She was there to watch me drowning into misery and she couldn’t stand that. She liked me too much to put up with a lost me. The night we made sex – the only night we actually shared the same bed, was the night I truly felt I lost you forever. I thought you had forgotten everything about me. You weren’t calling me, you weren’t returning any of my letters, hell you gave no sign that you ever wanted to get in touch with me again. We had lost all connections and I was broke. I drank myself till oblivion and in that blurry state of mind I actually mistook Steph with you.” Yoochun let out a dry laugh and continued his story not looking into Junsu’s searching eyes. “When I woke up, in the morning, she was no longer there. I never heard a word about her until nine months later when I was called in the operations room for a routine birth. Once I stepped there I had a shock. She was speechless too. She told me later on that if we wouldn’t have met that day by chance she would have never told me she had been pregnant. I didn’t doubt one second that the kid was mine. I had already fallen in love with him the moment I laid my eyes on him. That little angel was my only reason to marry Stephanie and she knew it straight from the beginning. At first she was ok with the situation. I told her I wouldn’t mind if she would search for her love another place; as long as I wasn’t acting as a true husband I believed it was the right thing to do. Things soon started to get more complicated as she was obvious trying to make me fall for her, but I could not give her more than a brotherly love. She wasn’t satisfied with it. She found it wise to engage herself in countless affaires just to get me jealous. I didn’t mind it as long as she was a good mother to our son. But things got worse when you came back two years later. By that time she already knew everything about us – I told her everything. She tried to pretend the whole situation wasn’t affecting her but she was too transparent and I managed to see through her acting. It’s then our real struggles began. She became a… an easy woman, to put it nice and it was like she had forgotten she had a child to rise. Her jealousy got the best of her – or the worst – and I knew we would soon find ourselves on the brink of divorcing. I was right. You know, actually yesterday we signed all the papers. I’m a free man.” Yoochun chuckled at his own last words. Junsu gasped. “So soon…” he whispered his thoughts out. “What do you mean?” Yoochun raised an eyebrow. “It’s that… I… I mean it wasn’t on purpose…” the doctor tried to explain stuttering. The other didn’t say anything; he waited for the young man to put an order to his thoughts. He was amused at the sight. Junsu was so cute with that embarrassed flush on his cheeks. Fidgeting, the young doctor wondered how he could tell Yoochun he actually eavesdropped at their conversation a week ago. He took a deep breath to brave himself and confessed. “I overheard you two speak… a week ago… before checking on YoungHo. You were fighting pretty hard…” “Yeah, I guess so.” Yoochun sighed. “But it all worked out well eventually.” He released a content smile. “It’s all gonna be ok.” They locked gazes and smiled at each other. Could they be ok too? They just had to wait and find it out. Yoochun broke the eye contact and frowned. “Why wont you tell me now what happened with Li Yin?” he asked concerned. Junsu’s smile turned into a sad one. “As I told you before, I have no idea myself. She just let me a letter saying… she couldn’t marry me. She said she still loves me but our happiness means to part ways, because our fate from the beginning was not to end up together but each one of us let a big trace in the other’s life. She is so cryptic I can barely understand what she meant.” he heaved a small sigh. “She told me not to worry about our wedding plans. She already sent apology letters to those invited to the event and she took care of everything else. She wishes me happiness and a great life beside the person I really love.” saying the last words Junsu was hit by realization. He looked at Yoochun with big eyes. Yoochun looked back at him mirroring his action. Silence enfolded them for a while. Was she aware of their love for each other? Was she giving up her own happiness in order to make Junsu happy? The supreme sacrifice… ~ - ~ - ~ For those tormented souls engrossed into the hospital’s drama, time seemed to be a friend, or maybe it was just a disguised foe. Life passed by in numbness, not really caring about the yet to unfold issues. It was as some things never happened, nor damages were ever done. Yoochun stuck happily around Junsu, never once leaving his side. Call it fear or simply love, but they decided to never let go – ever again. Leah was improving her skills by helping her husband, Heechul, to continue with his researches, while Changmin discovered he was genius enough to put up with working at two hospitals at the same time and getting engaged in the process with a cute literature teacher. Boa decided it was time for her to think about her own life too, still keeping an eye on her beloved friend Jaejoong. She told everyone she intended to go back to college to become a doctor herself. As for Jaejoong, fate didn’t seem to stop enjoying bitching with him. YoungHo was still in coma, not giving any sign of recovering too soon and Yunho – well with Yunho fate wasn’t any different than it was with Jaejoong. They – separately – decided it was for the best if they would avoid each other, so that was what they did. They arranged their schedules as to not meet again at work. The memory of what had happened in YoungHo’s ceiling was still fresh in their minds and it was too confusing – for both of them – to comprehend or confront it. How many months had really passed by? One? Two? Maybe even more than three while numbness cached them all in its web. Silver flake had started to caress the cold air outside. The thin white blanket covering the frozen ground was easily diffused by joyful kids playing around. The lives in their happy cries and flushed cheeks were brightening the atmosphere. Winter had come. It brought with it a white December and what it seemed to be a warm peacefulness. ~ - ~ - ~ His glowing hopeful eyes were watching the frail figure lying between the white bed sheets. His hand moved up to cup the IV wire checking it. He glanced at the screen which showed the little boy’s heart activity. It seemed unchanged but his hope was still up. The peaceful face seemed to smile in its sleeping estate and that was enough for the young doctor to trust into a miracle that defied all scientific beliefs. “Still the same?” asked a quiet voice. “Ah, Leah!” the doctor turned around to face the woman. “Yeah, nothing’s changed. I really hope we will soon see some sign of improvement.” He let out a sad laugh. “I know YoungHo loves the snow and the winter. I just hope he will wake up soon to enjoy them. I may sound stupid but I think the change of seasons will… you know… bring a miracle too.” “You’re such a kid sometimes, Junsu.” Leah shook her head dismissing a faint smile. “But, yeah, it’s all up to fate, and there are times we can do nothing about it.” “And those times is when I really hate fate.” Junsu protested looking at YoungHo. “He’s too young for all this pain. Why does he have to be the one to suffer for fate to have fun?” “Who knows, dear Junsu? Who knows…?” ~ - ~ - ~ Even if winter wasn’t on the top of his likings he still had a part of this season he really loved: the Christmas. And today was Christmas Eve. Yunho smiled at the memories of the last Christmases he had spent into the hospital back in America. They – he and the other doctors – would always buy presents for the kids who had to stay over at the hospital on Christmas day. Remembering the warmth of their gratitude, Yunho knew those were the happiest moments of his entire career. He wondered if here, at Seoul National Hospital, the staff had the same habit. Even if they didn’t he would, for sure, buy something, at least for YoungHo. YoungHo… the boy was still a mystery to him. Up until now he couldn’t manage to figure out if that little bundle of life was his son or not. Not only this, but also his general estate intrigued him. Why weren’t they able to find a cure for his disease? What was so special with his body that created that kind of protection for his mutation? It was weird indeed. He sighed and turned his attention at the little snow flakes decorating his window. His, now cooled, coffee had lost his taste some time before. He just settled himself drawing circles in that brown liquid. It seemed just like life: two different things combined creating a warm drinkable substance which just cools out as time passes by. How ironic he thought – big, significant things would go through the same process as the small ones. Taking a last sip of coffee, he sat up from his chair and stretched his arms above his head. He looked around his office. Too quiet. A cold shiver ran down his spine. The flakes seemed to have stopped mid-air – their fall suspended in time. Silence. The only audible thing was his hear-beating and it was increasing in intensity as the clock stood still. A second, that felt more like an hour for Yunho, passed for things to go back to normal. The same instant the door burst open and a panting, frightened Boa searched his gaze, desperation filling her expression. He needed nothing more to comprehend what her wordless actions wanted to communicate. Yunho stormed out of the room, his legs leading him without his mind to even transmit the destination. YoungHo. Walking – more like running – into YoungHo’s room, Yunho met with a terrifying sight: the once peaceful sleeping boy was now crossed by countless waves of convulsions, held back by a distressed Heechul and a worried Yoochun. Junsu had arrived at the same time as he had and the weary expression he held matched everyone else’s. The young doctor went by Yoochun’s side and asked for information about the situation and the other told him what he needed to know. Yunho finally snapped out of his daze and approached the others, checking YoungHo’s eye responses. He then told Boa to get the special serum they had been working at for the last several months and to inject it into the IV attached to the boy’s hand. Heechul looked at him, wanting to protest – they had yet to test the serum they created. Yunho was fully aware of that but he had no time to over-think it. Either way YoungHo was in danger – sure matter without the serum the kid wouldn’t survive, but if they dosed him with that substance he would have – even if it was slight – a chance to remain alive. So they had to do it – at any cost. ~ - ~ - ~ Ever since that damned day when he tried to dare Yunho to confess to him once again, Jaejoong had to put a distance between them and by that it meant spending less time at the hospital in order to avoid any contact with the other. He saw things more clear now and he regretted his action back then because they led him to have more time apart from YoungHo. He couldn’t visit his son as often as he used to before but he had an aching desire to do it. All the more now, when the kid was in coma, he wanted to be by his side 24/7. He felt horrible – he knew he was the only one to blame for this situation. Still, he had the urge to just jump into his car and drive all the way to the hospital only to take a glance at his bundle of life. His hands were trembling and he had to restrain himself from grabbing the keys and storm out of the room like a mad man. What was with him? He threw aside all the papers on his desk ad let out a frustrated groan. He couldn’t concentrate on anything while his mind kept drifting back to YoungHo. Exiting his home office, he stopped in front of a blue wooden door on which it was attached a tag saying “Our Baby”. He entered the room and stepped up to the drawers from where he took out a nice wrapped box with a ribbon on top. A genuine smile appeared on his face. The phone rang. The next minute Jaejoong was gripping his steering wheal like his life depended on it. One more minute passed by for him to be able to arrive at the hospital and it took him no more than a second to materialize himself in YoungHo’s ceiling. At the door frame he blinked. Once… twice… His legs gave in as he neared the bed and a sharp breath punched his lungs. He stared in front of him, not believing a bit the sight he was given to witness. He questioned his own sanity, thinking he must be delusional. A small icy finger touched his hand. He jerked back into reality, staring at two brown eyes – the mirror image of his chibi version. A faint smile brightened the pale lips of the angel staring back at him. Jaejoong’s mask cracked. Two crystallized tears were let to run free on his colorless cheeks, sighing aloud. YoungHo wiped the tears away and stroked his hair gently. “Smile for me, appa!” was all the little man said and it was then Jaejoong realized he really wasn’t dreaming. He hugged the frail body into his arms, holding on like dear life. His son had woken up. The phone he received to inform him that something had happened wasn’t bad news after all. His precious was alive. “How do you feel sweetheart?” Jaejoong managed to crack up the words. “Weak.” It was only a whisper followed up by a series of hard coughing. Jaejoong looked up worry darkening his forehead. He kissed YoungHo’s slake cheeks and told him he should rest. The boy shook his head and tried to create a smile on his fragile figure but failed. He took a breath to strengthen his voice and said: “They told me it’s Christmas Eve and outside the snow covered the streets in pure white. Do you remember you once promised you would take me out to feel the snow?” To say Jaejoong was taken aback could be considered a big understatement. He looked around to see all his friends – and someone who wasn’t exactly a friend – gathered up in the room, waiting for him to give YoungHo an answer. He hadn’t seen them when he came in. Have they been there all along? “Appa?” the small voice pleaded. “Please, I want to know how it feels.” The doctor didn’t say a thing. He took all the wires out of YoungHo’s body, leaving everybody dumbfounded by his action and grabbed him into a tight embrace. While exiting the room tears started to flow incontrollable. Will this be your last Christmas, my love? Jaejoong bitterly wondered. He stepped out of the hospital and lowered himself on the stairs. He took a hand out and reached to catch a falling flake. It quickly melted. He looked at YoungHo in his lap – he was smiling – yet, Jaejoong wanted to cry. He darted his gaze aside and he saw Yunho staying at the door hospital watching them. He too was on verge of tears. Jaejoong was surprised when YoungHo griped his hands around his neck. A light peck landed on his left cheek and wiped off the trace of his salty tears. “Don’t cry, appa! You have to smile. Look, the snow looks like angel dust. It’s so beautiful! It makes me want to become a flake when I die, just so I could melt into your warm palm. Appa, when I’m gone, I don’t want you to cry! Promise me you’ll keep smiling because I love it when I see your lips curled up.” Jaejoong looked at the small bundle of joy cuddled up in his arms. It seemed like forever since the last time he was blessed with hearing his sweet voice. He wanted to hear it more. “Sweet child of mine.” he whispered and stretched his mouth into the most sincere smile he could master. He tried masking his sadness behind it, not wishing to upset YoungHo. Father and son locked gazes for some minutes and everyone else watched the scene, goosebumps rising on their spines. Their eyes burned of tears desire, while their hearts constricted. What the outcome of this event would be, no one wanted to predict, so they just stayed in silence thanking gods they were given to witness the boy’s awakening. YoungHo broke the eye contact and glanced at his “uncles” and “aunts” he loved so much. His eyes fell on the stranger staying not far from them. He smiled and whispered: “Take good care of appa and keep his smile on his face…” The last words were barely heard as YoungHo’s little lids flipped close and his head became heavier leaning into Jaejoong’s shoulder for support. His hands slowly slipped from around his father’s neck, one touching the white snow in its fall. In a blink of an eye the world just spins around, then again it stops only for you to rest a little: now you can finally rest in peace, my son. One last tear and a stretched smile. ~ - ~ - ~ The road he drove was not familiar to him, but what difference would it make anymore? Why would he need that knowledge now, when things seemed to slowly fall apart? An aimless drive was the only thing he could get now that his sole reason to live was no more. In his weak mind the images of the last few minutes were playing on repeat and all he wished was for his soul to stop aching so much for he could be the cold man everybody thought he was. “December 24, time of death 6:45 p.m., name Kim YoungHo.” Jaejoong words had been uttered ever so calmly back there, no tears showering his features, no shiver following his voice and not even a crack in his bright smile could have been seen. His actions had astonished everyone. It had been like he had failed to care anymore. Jaejoong really wanted for his acting to hide his feelings from himself too. Maybe this way he wouldn’t hurt like hell anymore. He didn’t have the strength to pretend he was an iceman any longer though and as soon as his car took him out of the others’ range of view his mask cracked, salty droplets floating freely down his cheeks. The last trace of an apparently unbreakable smile was erased as it was never there in the first place. *~* At the hospital, Yunho and Junsu had already brought YoungHo’s lifeless corps at the morgue and Boa cleaned the room the boy had called home for his 8 years of life. Yoonwhan was crying in Yoochun’s arms, not really understanding why his dear friend didn’t want to speak with him anymore. Leah and Heechul went to the laboratory. They stood there, silence mastering the atmosphere. Where those eight years of hard work and sleepless nights due to research worth all this pain, this heartbroken the felt now? *~* Yunho entered the white empty ceiling that was once occupied by a soul. He closed the door behind him and slid across it weakly. He felt numb, like all his strength had vanished all of the sudden. He looked around, scanning the room, adjusting his hallow gaze to the stillness of it. The lack of a beep that proved that there was a heart that was beating felt so wrong, so out of place. Taking in the wide empty space, his eyes refused to shed another tear, though he felt the need of it. Its flustered cheeks were burning, the salt of his previous cries clenching on his skin. Resting his arms on his knees he fisted his hands trying to squeeze the air from between his fingers. What was the meaning of life after all? Why did YoungHo have to die? What if he really was his son? How was Jaejoong holding on? Jaejoong… where did you go? Were you really that uncaring? What’s on your mind? What weights on your soul? How do you manage to mend a broken heart? He stood up from the ground and left the room along with his thoughts. He found Boa leaning against the door of Jaejoong’s office. She was sobbing, keeping her head sheltered between her shoulders. Yunho embraced her from behind surprising her. He tried to comfort her, gently whispering assuring words in her ears. She turned around to face him and hold his hands. With all her strength she voiced her trembling thoughts to him: “Can you please go find Jaejoong for me? I’m afraid that he may…” “Shh! Don’t say it!” he closed his eyes hushing her. “He won’t try anything irrational. Let’s just give him this bit of a credit.” “Please…” she pleaded helplessly. “He should be at our old house. Please do it for me… I have no strength to chase after him anymore.” “I will, Boa, I will. Don’t worry.” ~ - ~ - ~ Thinking about the promise he had made, Yunho’s weary steps brought him to his car. He sighed tiredly. His arms came to rest on top of his black Ferrari while his eyes wandered along the purple sky. It was a beautiful scenery and it was such a shame that today’s events will prevent everyone from enjoying it at its true intensity. He sighed yet again, watching the steam escaping his lips. He shivered the cold wind seemed to intensify its blow. Resigned to his decision, he took a big intake of air and entered the car. Boa had explained him how to get to the place she thought Jaejoong might be and it seemed it wasn’t a complicated way. He started the engine enjoying the roar it made and accompanied only by that sound he drove off. His fingers clenched on the steering wheel, his body awakening from the numbness as he gradually realized what he was about to do. Time flew by unnoticed though, not giving him the chance to reconsider his actions nor to wonder what Jaejoong would think of his presence there. When he reached in front of the house it looked forsaken, but the car parked outside of it stated otherwise. Yunho stepped out of his Ferrari and observed the breathtaking surroundings. The sound of enraged wave splashing the black, frozen rocks, alongside with the loud noise made by the sea’s breeze gave him goosebumps. It was a creepy view but at the same time the place seemed engrossed into some kind of apathy, or was it sadness? Maybe oblivion too… It was like a piece of land from another world delimited by the white covers of snow. Yunho took a cold breath in and forced his steps towards the house. He reached his hand out to knock on the door but it just cracked open as if someone or something was inviting him in. he jabbed his head first, waiting for a human being to come into view, but only silence greeted him into the large empty hall. The dusk’s darkness wasn’t helping him either. He went on, carefully not to crush on anything until he entered what it seemed the living room. There he saw a fragile fire burning its last breaths into a hearth. On its right, the few flames’ shadows were playing around the walls decorations – pictures and paintings as it seemed – and other objects he could barely make out into that dim light. Turning his head to his left his gaze met an old fashioned armchair that wasn’t empty. Yunho gasped. For a moment he froze at the sight: an unmoving figure, caressed by the same game of flames as to right wall, was curled up into the said armchair with his head laying inert on the back-rest, shy moon rays sleeping in his black hair. Thoughts and questions rushed up on Yunho’s mind – was that really Jaejoong? Was he too late? Was the other dead? “He was the best kid a father would have ever wanted.” the figure murmured faintly, waking Yunho from his trance. He was at a loss of words so he just stood there and listened to the cracking voice as it continued rambling. “He was smart, he was beautiful. He listened to everything I said. He would always take his medicine without complaining about its taste. He never once whined about the IVs or the wires plugged into his tiny body like into a robot. He just trusted me to make him better, to cure him and I failed him. I didn’t even get to give him his present because he failed to catch the Christmas Day.” The sobs shook his body, but he didn’t stop speaking. His hands clenched around a small box in his lap as tears forgot they had to fall. “I’m sure he would’ve loved his gift. I bought him colored crayons this year. He loved to draw, you know? Whenever his weak body permitted him, he would take his notebook and start to draw. His paintings were all about me, about the other doctors, about us as a family – him, Boa and I. Boa was the only mother he knew, but he never felt short of love. I’m sure of it because we would always shower him with our love, care and concern. He was so dear to us…” His words remained captive into his throat and he chocked and the memory of what he had no more. How will he be able to live from no on? Without his bundle of joy his life felt too hallow, it had no meaning. The other man stared at him; in his eyes Jaejoong looked so different from the iceman he showed off at the hospital in front of everyone. It irked him to see the man he loved giving up. “You say you loved him so much, yet again, when in front of others you are acting cold and detached but you’re crying like a bitch when no one’s looking. How dare you calling this love?” Yunho surprised himself with the intensity of his words, his voice gaining volume with each sentence he uttered. “What do you mean?” Jaejoong’s own voice morphed. If earlier he had sounded defeated, lost or lifeless, surely now any trace of that tone was erased and instead anger surfaced. “What do I mean?” Yunho scoffed arrogantly. “Didn’t your son ask you not to cry? Wasn’t that his last wish? Then why are you here now, drowning into misery, huh?” he mocked the last words. “Is it that you don’t love him enough to make the effort to keep a smile on your perfectly stoned face as he wanted you to? Is it like that?” he screamed. Jaejoong stood up, his grip on the box loosening to the extent that it fell on the floor with a loud thud that echoed through the stillness of the night. Both men locked eyes, none speaking nor making any move. Their glare said a thousand words, fighting with unseen swords. “You’re pathetic!” Yunho stated while turning his back to leave. It took Jaejoong a large step and a heat-beat to get to him and, grabbing his shoulder, he spun the man around for his cheek to meet his fist. The impact made Yunho land on the ground. It might be an understatement to say he was surprised by Jaejoong’s actions. Supporting his weight on his right elbow he lifted his upper body just enough to take a good look at the iceman in front of him that – call it a cliché if you wish – was now burning. Yunho’s left hand’s fingers touched the line of his mouth feeling the crimson liquid trailing down from it. He winced at the pain surfacing from the wounded spot but his lips curled up into a smirk. Why he did feel like laughing his heart out about the situation right then, Yunho had no idea, yet it surely wasn’t the right moment nor the right circumstances, as a matter of fact, to burst out like that, so he tried to hold it in. Jaejoong noticed his internal battle and it irritated him. With no further notice, Yunho felt his body go upwards, two strong hands pinning him against a wall from behind. He almost expected another fist to meet his already swollen cheek, so he closed his eyes to make the impact less painful, but what he didn’t expect was for two cold lips to crush upon his own warm ones. His lids flew open in an instant and his heart stopped beating. “Jaejoong, what the hell are you doing?” he wanted so bad to scream, but failed his attempts as the other only deepened the kiss leaving him breathless. When the man’s mouth left his own, words remained unspoken and actions took over them. None of them really remembered how or when they even found the couch – Yunho hadn’t even seen it when he came – as clothes began to fall from their bodies, one by one, kissing passionately. Jaejoong could now taste the metallic flavor of Yunho\'s bruised lips as the other’s hands made their way up to clasp his broad shoulders. Skin upon skin, the lust wrapped them both into its trap. Exploring every inch of Jaejoong’s face, Yunho’s tongue trailed down on his collarbone ever so slowly, licking, teasing, forsaking it in its way to the other’s neck. There, he found a sweet spot and sucked on it, leaving his love mark. Both of Jaejoong’s shoulder received the same treatment then Yunho’s lips planted butterfly kisses on his chest sliding down at his waist. He stopped for an instant looking at his angel’s face. Jaejoong had his eyes closed, enjoying every bit of attention his body was getting, but what was on his mind, Yunho couldn’t read. Behind closed lids, images of the past were playing in Jaejoong’s head like a movie on fast-forward – the first time he met Rhey, the first time he found out she had feelings for another guy that wasn’t him, the time he realized he loved her, the time he met the man that had stolen her heart away from him, the moment that that very same man had confessed to him instead of her, the time his arms mended her broken soul, their first night together, the feeling of her arms around his neck, the feeling of her lips upon his, her touches, her moans, his name spelled by her mouth in her moment of ecstasy… Suddenly, though, his mind shut down, the last image flashing before his vision being the one of his son looking at Yunho, pleading him to make Jaejoong happy. After that, all became black and he had the need to open his eyes. The corner of his lips curled into a warm smile. Yunho’s stare at his action burned holes into his skin and his heart cringed. Was it love, the new born feeling? Was he falling for the man who, unconsciously, brought the sorrow up his road? Finding a new world in theirs looks, the two men locked lips once more, mesmerized by the rush of sensations enfolding them. As the kiss deepened, what slowly started like an exploration, soon transformed into an extreme hunger for control and domination. They fell hard on the floor, but never parted their mouths one bit, not even when their lungs screamed for air. Their moans and groans echoed throughout the empty house as hands traveled everywhere, trying not to leave a spot untouched, unfelt. Using their cum as a lube, Jaejoong prepared Yunho for their final step. The man gasped at the sudden intrusion of the other’s fingers as the walls of his entrance accommodated with the new feeling. One last kiss and his hot member went inside. It was hard for Yunho to comprehend why his lungs lost all their air. Was it because of the pain or the pleasure was so divine that stars started playing in his head? With each thrust, Jaejoong made him his. They found their clichéd climax under the flames’ discrete watch as they collided onto each other, no more strength left in their bodies. They felt their hearts trying to jump out of their chests and ache dominated their throats as the air was simply not enough to satisfy their needy lungs. After detaching himself from Yunho’s body, Jaejoong landed on his back beside the other, he closed his eyes, brushing his fingers over them, wiping the sweat away. Yunho turned around to rest on his belly, thankful for the coolness of the floor the caressed his cheek. His breath was still uneven and he lost the battle with his lids to keep them open. A cold breeze crossed the room as the fire dimmed a little more, lacking the fuel to keep burning. Yunho’s skin got goosebumps from the gradually change of temperature, but what he felt next sent shiver throughout his entire body – icy fingertips were tickling his spine from his neck all the way down and up again. Such an intimate gesture was way too much for his heart to bear with. “Jaejoong…” he whispered choking with the new born desire of his body. “Shh…” the other hushed him pleadingly. “Don’t say anything.” And he planted a lingering kiss on Yunho’s shoulder, his left hand caging the man in his embrace. They fell asleep before a breath had time to die, letting the night take care of their confused thoughts. The fire extinguished and the room fell under the spell of the darkness. Let the moon be their only guide into the land of dreams. ~ - ~ - ~ It was late in the evening when Yunho arrived at the hospital. He parked his car hurriedly giving the parking lot only a quick glance. It seemed abdominally deserted for this kind of time. Usually people would rush in and out, simply coming for checking ups or, maybe, for checking ins, but it was rare for the hospital’s surroundings to be so empty. The grayish sky met him with furious blasts of wind. It looked like a storm was about to unfold. Yunho averted his eyes from the scenery and stepped inside the hospital. He walked the large corridors looking for one person – Boa. He needed to talk to Boa about what had happened. He felt the urge to run just to arrive sooner to the place he knew he would find her. He restrained himself though. He was into a hospital and he had to respect it. When he finally spotted her talking with Yoona he felt relived. He approached them and greeted them asking Boa if she was busy. Knowing something was wrong, she excused herself to Yoona and took Yunho to a place where they could talk at ease. She gestured him to start but the words that seemed to burn his throat minutes ago were now refusing to come out. Boa sighed. Massaging her forehead, she whispered slowly: “When he came to the hospital, this afternoon, I thought things got solved or at least a little bit, but then I realized I was wrong. He was somewhat furious and distant… What happened? What made him react like that?” “I’m at fault… I just had to ruin everything with one stupid move.” “What do you mean?” “It happened so quick that I barely had the time to realize what I did…” [~F~l~a~s~h~b~a~c~k~] Sun’s rays shone one the white snow outside, mirroring its brightness into the calm waves. Yunho felt the light tickling his nose and woke up from his sleep. Groaning at the lack of warmth beside him, he opened his eye, his gaze searching for the man that, not long ago, had kept him securely wrapped into his arms. He found him sitting on the windowsill staring aimlessly outside. He already had his pants on, his broad marbled back remaining still unclothed. Yunho’s movement warned him about the man’s awakening. Not looking back, Jaejoong took his sweater from the floor and tossed it over his head, preparing himself to leave. “Don’t bother to lock the door behind you when you leave.” he said grim. “Someone will come later to take over the house.” “What do you mean?” confusion spread across Yunho’s face. Jaejoong knew he had it coming. How could he answer that, really? Well, actually I sold it because the reason I bought it, in the first place, was for me, Rhey and YoungHo to live in it like a happy little family, but, like always, fate was a bitch and made other plans for us, so what was the point in keeping the house anymore? There was no Rhey, no YoungHo… just a Yunho who will never be able to fill up the huge void in his heart. Even if last night he discovered that a shy feeling of love started to capture his traitorous heart, it simply wasn’t enough to keep him from hurting – not that he had much time left for that anyway. Not even for that, huh? He laughed bitterly in his mind. He scratched his chin and turned his attention towards Yunho. “I sold it.” he finally answered in a cold voice. “What? Why?” the other popped on his feet. “It’s all over now. I have no more reasons to keep it.” “What about all the memories of it? What about all the drawings from the walls? Aren’t those the ones YoungHo drew for you? Are you just gonna leave them here? Are you gonna give them away too?” “Yes!” Yunho gasped. The other’s direct answer froze him. How could he be so heartless? Was he suffering from double personality? What was with all those mood swings? Not really realizing what his lips let out, he asked the question that had burned his insides since months ago: “Was he really your son?” Jaejoong’s head snapped back in fury. He glared Yunho, hatred filling his back eyes. “Of course he was. No one should ever doubt it!” “Well, I do!” he simply said. “Now, more than ever, the feeling that he wasn’t really your son pierces my thoughts and makes me doubt.” “So what are you trying to say? That he’s yours?” Jaejoong’s hysterical laugh sent creeps on Yunho’s spine. “I truly don’t care what you believe, Yunho. He was my child and that is a sure thing.” “How can you be so sure, huh? The night before I left…” “I know what happened the night before you left, Yunho.” Jaejoong cut him off coldly. “Then…” “He’s mine!” if any sign of laugh or irony had ever been showed on his face, now it was gone and replaced with endless pain and sadness. He meant every word, but how could Yunho understand that if he didn’t know the whole truth? Could he confess this man what was really going on? “What makes you so sure about it?” Yunho’s voice became a whisper as anger drained from his body the instant he saw the other’s sudden change. “He got his illness from me.” he murmured, not looking Yunho in the eye. The shadow of a bitter smile dissipated into the sun’s rays as he made his way out of the house. In the distance, the sound of a car distancing from the house was slowly fading away. [~E~n~d~_~o~f~_~f~l~a~s~h~b~a~c~k~] Boa gasped. She didn’t expect such a thing to happen. Now she understood better. Her body numbed and a tear escaped her beautiful eyes. “He resigned from his job as a doctor here.” her voice was shaky. “He is going to – to…” the words got stuck on her throat; it was too hard to say it, too hard to admit it. Realization finally hit Yunho too. His heart took off on a race and he looked weakly at Boa as searching for a denial that never came. “He left… to die… alone” he whispered into the stillness of the ceiling. ~ - ~ - ~ He drove his car faster than ever. He just felt the need to do it. He never really realized how much he enjoyed driving. Always caged between the hospital’s walls, always no more than a zombie, he forgot the joys of life. How ironic he thought. He was given to see the beauty of life barely at the end of it. He laughed. It was a sad laugh, but no tears were burning his eyes, fighting his lids to be let out. He had no more neither did he want to shed them any longer. He had made a promise. He promised himself that he would accomplish his son’s death wish. He would smile. From now on, no matter how life will punish him, torture him, he will, for sure, smile. His gaze met the sky. The dark clouds had already gathered to form a storm. Jaejoong smiled – The story of my life. He drove even faster, leaving behind a world. Maybe the only world he’d even known. He decided that from tomorrow he will be another person, with no past to linger about, no memories to track him down, no illness to grind him bit by bit. He would be invincible, he would be immortal. The smile never left his face as the old Jaejoong died, making place to a new one – a cold, always smiling one. ~ - ~ - ~ FIN