Your worst nightmare

You had it all. Friends, family, wealth, health… The ground was fertile for the seeds of success. Life was worth living. Every breath of fresh air was the best thing that ever happened to you. Everywhere you looked you could see only pretty faces smiling, people wanting to shake hands with you, kids looking at you with curiosity and admiration, rivals with envy in their eyes, old people with compassion and good will… Then life bitch-slapped you. You got sick. Very sick. Then you healed. But the scars were deep and after you healed... you were not the same. Well, of course you were the same... inside your head. But on the outside, in other peoples’ heads you were not. The smiles turned into tears or sad faces or arrogant laughs. Good will and compassion turned into indifference. No matter how much you shouted “hey you motherfuckers it’s still me, what’s wrong with you???”... you would get the same response... you were tagged, labeled, dubbed "obsolete", trapped in a vicious circle of prejudice. And you knew in the back of your head that it all made sense in a way. You knew that before your little "accident" you were just a worthless snob that played with peoples’ feelings using your glamor and sex appeal. You were empty on the inside... no substance, no significance. You had nothing to show but superficial appearances. People despised you for that. But your pure and innocent appearance counter-weighted their contempt and the result was just a fragile balance on which you could rely... until now. Oh you fool… if only you knew what was coming to you. If only you changed while you had the chance. As time went by it was becoming clearer and clearer that there is no way back and no way out of this mess. You were stripped naked of your fancy suit and now all your rotten filth was exposed for the whole world to see, judge and reject. All you could think of was the good days, when you still had a chance, when doors were not being slammed in your face. Looking ahead, all you could see was darkness, uncertainty and pain… lots of pain. There was nothing that could fill this void. You had to face it, look deep into it and get used to it. There was no freedom for your thoughts. You were trapped somewhere between meaningless dreams and unsatisfied desires. You started questioning your sanity. "Am I going mad?" you said to yourself. You started to think about how much time you got left. "Am I dying slowly? Will I die young? Will society kill me for being unfit?" And then IT hit you... rage, fury, boundless hate for everything that is born, grows, lives and then dies. "Who are you to decide my fate? Who are you to decide my fitness?" you said to the world. "I don’t need you! I don’t need anybody! I can be whatever I want, whoever I want, whenever I want! I don’t care what you all think or say!" And after all this ruthless rant against the world you would grow tired and lay down. You knew there was no one there to listen. You knew that you were talking to yourself. But at least you made a point. Not a very strong one, but one that would help you look forward, beyond the deadly void and maybe find some new hope. Fueled by this new hope, you started to look around with cold eyes, you started to observe, analyze and draw conclusions. You tried to make sense of everything and maybe find a way to change things according to your will. You became ambitious and hard working. You inspired people with your views and attitude. Your innovative and energetic way of dealing with things crossed cultures as you traveled around the world. For the first time in your life you felt like you were going somewhere, fueled by this strange energy that seems to come out of nowhere. After some time, you started making your checks and balances. After you drew the line the result was grim. You realized that all your achievements were mere failed attempts to create something of questionable quality. All the people that you have inspired were uncompetitive mediocre losers and yes-men guided in life by greed and an almost mechanical survival instinct. You had no friends just acquaintances, no achievements just failed attempts, no hopes just illusions. You were back from where you started. The void was starting to show up again at the horizon. You resisted it again with the same rage and fury that got you this far in the first place. You started to blame society and nature for the wicked and random ways in which peoples’ fates are decided. You wanted to use radical means to change the world into an idealistic place where every dream can be materialized. But at the same time you knew that such attempts have been tried before and have generated countless numbers of innocent victims and world wide conflicts. You knew that the peaceful world you were living in still recalled the horrors of its dreadful past and that it would reject anything that would even seem to be radical. You couldn’t change it by peaceful means and you didn’t have the power to do it forcefully. You could only dream of that post apocalyptic scenery in which civilization is destroyed and everything would have to be rebuilt from scratch. Only then would you have a greater chance of prospering and fulfilling your ideals. But doom’s day would not come by itself… not without your help. You wanted to destroy the world as we know it. You wanted to make world destruction plans that would fulfill your sick dream of rebuilding the world from its ashes and make it just the way you like it. At the same time, memories from your childhood came to your mind. You remembered all the comics that you used to read, all the movies that you used to watch, all the news about murders and rapes and wars and genocide. You remembered all the bad guys… the killers, the rapists, the terrorists, the evil dictators. You remembered how you used to wonder about how all these bad guys became so bad in the first place. And then it came to you that you were turning into one of these guys yourself. You realized that all you had to do to understand them was to look back at your own life. You were sad and confused… you saw yourself forced to become what you always feared of becoming. You realized that you have turned into your worst nightmare.